Blowing out my eardrums
because its the only way I can think to begin to forget all of this
and this always happens.
I don’t know why I am to be tortured like this.
Everytime I believe them too
I think this one will be different.
But none of them are different.
They are all the same and I keep believing them,
for a while I stopped really caring about them
and just used them.
It was so much simpler
because if it didn’t work out there was no real attachment.
This time I let my heart open
Oh how fucking stupid I am.
My heart should be forever closed, to never let any of them in again.
Its so hard though because I want to be loved
I want someone
who I am completely myself around
who holds me tightly and whispers I love you
who tries with all his might to cheer me up
who makes me happy
he was that person
or at least I thought
but who am I kidding
its never how it seems.
Why couldn’t it be different this time?
When will it ever be different?
I deserve happiness and to be loved.
This is something I cannot afford to forget. It can be so easy not to reach your full potential because you are afraid of whether or not you can reach it.